glowing again: on rediscovering myself in my late 20s
when i was 7, my knees were permanently scraped. little scabs that i'd pick at in my bermuda shorts while i learned arithmetic. my hair was long and wild, bleached shades of golden from the hours i spent in the sun. i didn't think about how my arms looked in a tank top, or if my stomach looked flat from the side. i carried my baby teeth in a ziploc baggie and my orange bedroom walls were covered in collages made from old magazines. i wore my brother's hand-me-down's, t-shirts that grazed my scrawny legs, and i told my crushes i liked them without expecting anything in return. i was never embarrassed.
with the adolescent surge of angst and hormones came extreme self-awareness. how did i look when i raised my hand in class? was my side profile better from the left or the right? why was my mouth crooked and my lips so small? in my teenage years i asked myself these questions and picked apart every detail so i could craft a perfect persona for the world - a palatable Natalie. she needed to be quiet, but funny and conversational, smart, but not overtly, beautiful, but in an approachable kind of way. i made friends with pretty girls so i too could be pretty, and i didn't do anything that could lead to scraped knees. my hair was darker now, more time spent inside, and i spent hours on tumblr, curating images of what i wanted to be.
post-high school and into my early twenties, i dated boys who i thought would make me look good. boys who were conventionally attractive and came from good families, boys who would have jobs with pensions and could buy us a house with a white picket fence. i felt myself shrinking in their presence, becoming a small ball of clay in their hands, molding myself to their needs. i didn't want to be a person because it took too much work, to craft an ideal self was exhausting, and it was easier to be someone's plus one.
at 26, several months out of a 4 year long relationship where i shrank myself into oblivion, i am rediscovering my glow. i started writing again, not only about sad things but about happy things too. i traveled 6,000 miles across the world by myself and fell in love with a boy in argentina - he makes me feel like i can be as loud and vast as i want. i make arts and crafts like i'm 7 years old, and my knees are covered in bruises from biking and playing outside. i lay in the grass and watch ants crawl up my arms, and i don't think about whether or not i look skinny. i'm learning to smile with teeth again and to laugh ugly laughs in public. i bought a walkman and covered it in stickers. i sing even when my voice shakes. i am not afraid to be a person anymore.
