zero-percent ABV: on writing when sober
this is one of the first times in my life where i've been feeling called to create from a place of overwhelming joy and contentment. prior, i would often only write when i was in my darkest and most tragic moments. my work was arguably better then, but i feel better now.
i think, like many creatives, i grew up with the notion that to be a great writer, you need to suffer. you need to be an alcoholic, you need to have remarkable trauma, you need to have bad relationships with your family, and perhaps a string of failed romances.
there were times when i struggled with alcohol, or fought with my family, or suffered heartbreak, and during those periods, i did in fact write more. i can probably dredge up dozens of poems i wrote while under the influence, riddled with expletives and dreadfully beautiful. in those moments, i'd often write every day, for however long i was in pain, and that was when i was at my most prolific.
but i also was actively destroying myself, self-sabotaging and secretly getting off on it. i had no brakes, no filter, only impulse and a desire to be better so strong that it often resulted in things getting worse. writing was a comfort for me, but it also allowed me to wallow in my distress. it let me put words to feelings, and it amplified those feelings & encouraged me to continue festering in them for the sake of creation.
as i've gotten older, i've learned that quality over quantity matters more, in regards to most things, but in the case of writing especially. i don't want to be a paperback drunk or a self-hating bestseller. i want to be a happy and maybe kind of shitty writer. slap an oprah book club sticker on me when i'm dead.