★ gender anarchy ★
in high school, i identified as a trans guy. this is something i don't bring up nowadays (some 8 years later, wow). not out of shame or regret, but because i don't know what it means about me now.
i never connected with being a woman, not then and still not now. whether this is a result of my environment, or simply the way that i was made, who's to say...
i circled back on that question a million times over the past decade. my 14 year old self thought they knew who they were with the utmost certainty, and they were only more certain when people said "it's just a phase". i'll prove them wrong, i thought.
maybe it was 'just a phase' but does that take away the validity of how i identified all those years ago? does my operating in a straight relationship delete my prior gender identity? does my prior gender identity negate my current relationship?
all of these pieces of me can co-exist. i can continue to be uncertain or never-knowing of who i am, today and maybe even when i'm 70 years old.
i've sought certainty in myself since i was a kid, and that has never been my path. my path is not linear nor does it make sense to everyone. but with age has come the understanding that i will never be the perfect image of a woman or a man.
i am so many things outside of my lack of gender identity. i am a creative, a student, a lover, a writer, a leftist, a passion-seeker. i want to prioritze the things i am certain about, not suffer over those i may never have answers to.